" And from the ballroom floor, we are in celebration. One good stretch before our hibernation.Our dreams assured and we all will sleep well... sleep well...sleep well."

And I stare at you... looking exactly the way I remember you staring at me.  Same year huh? Couldn't be a more perfect time to taunt me and my quintessence.  :'(

I had the strangest talent... spinning pens through my fingers...  as if the greatness of the moment depended on the green Parker and my shaking hands.

Oh dear.

"You have stolen my heart."

I knew why they had to be called Dashboard Confessional...

'Coz if I were pouring my heart out with all my confessions while driving... and everything is a bitter blur like this... like big raindrops are getting in the way of my already feeble sight... I would have then and there straightly knocked my head unto the dashboard.

Ha-ha...right.

"You have stolen my...heart!!!"

Yeah...singing it away! : ' (

The Weekend that was

I can say that it was one of the most tiring weekends I have experienced in my life.

Tiring in a sense that I have to forget myself in order to be strong for other people.  I constantly had to remind myself that the weekend was not about me, but it was about them (the participants that we were serving) and it was for the Lord and not for me.  

I couldn't remember praying that long for anybody else in my entire life.  I didn't regret that I spent most of my time inside the vigil room... it was probably what I needed the most.  It was like being in a different place... full of hope and forgiveness.  

When I got there, I didn't know what to feel.  I was totally clueless as to what my purpose was.  Every time I had the chance to be alone, I kept ranting to God that I totally didn't know what I was doing in that place... how was I going to be any help at all?  What was even my purpose? How could someone like me, with a life so messed up as it was, be exactly of a great intercessor for other people? It was scary... talk about feeling so unworthy! No, I knew I should not be there, but God put me there.  I was supposed to be learning something. But all I felt was the fear of failing everyone especially myself. : (

The weekend got by and many said that we did a great job.  I admit that I didn't feel that I deserved the credit because I wasn't able to help in all the preparations.  All I know is that I tried to help in the best way I could and that is enough for me.

The participants were touched like I was a year ago when I attended the Singles Encounter Weekend. You could see it in their faces.  So I was like that a year ago... so refreshed... like nothing could break my recharged spirit.  Teary eyed but definitely feeling worthy of God's love. 

I wish I was in their place... because I feel just the opposite.  Like I said, my life is so messed up.  I am currently in a phase where I don't know where to go... where everything is easier said than done.  I have lost direction.  The more I try to look for a road I should walk on, the more God is telling me to stay put.  Or maybe I am just not listening enough... or maybe... He's just not answering me yet because it is not yet the time to answer.  

Quoting pat... "Is it wrong to want something so bad?" 

No, I don't think it is... but I know how it hurts when what  you want so much is the one thing that God doesn't seem to want to give to you.  

I don't know why I had to be at the SEW the weekend that passed.  It was partially fulfilling to see that I have been part of helping other people realize how much God loves them.  At the end of the weekend, the only thing I could commend about me is that I had thought more of others than I thought of myself... I realized I can be unselfish if I will it.  Other than that... I just feel empty... a bit sad even.  As if the culmination of it all... left a void in me that can never be filled. : (

Why am I feeling this hopelessness? Like I am never going to be happy? : ( 

5 minutes after christmas eve

A little girl is in trouble... She's all by herself in the middle of a hanging bridge. A bridge that she knew and depended on for so long. She needed to make her way through and make it at the end to be home just in time for Christmas when suddenly the bridge threatens to give way.

No matter how the little girl holds on, it will only be a matter of time before the bridge falls away. :(

*That's when I'll know... **

No Competition

I can't believe I let myself get affected about the things I hear... and not see.

I've seen this before... I would stay up late giving myself something to be anxious about. I would ache like the most miserable person. What's with me and pain?

Or maybe people sometimes just intend to make a big deal out of things... just to see if it would break me or not. They are curious if I could handle myself graciously or if I would just lash out and make a fool out of myself.

Thank God I handled that well.

Instinctively I made an effort to find proof... and what I found out could only make me laugh.

Seriously now? :D

Oh... people and you. Why, oh why? Haha.

When it turns out too good to be true...

I wish I was still in Caramoan where my only problem was where to put the next meal I am about to eat.

I had a great time. Thanks to Mhay, Dy and Ellie. I felt rewarded. I deserved the break. I did!. It was even more enjoyable knowing that my dad didn't make any side comments about checking my lifestyle. That trip was especially meant for me. :)

Would spend the day there just being care free. So what if I burned my skin? At least I was having a great time. I have gotten used to how the sea smells like. I especially miss how the 6pm night sky there made me feel. At about 6 pm thousands of bats would crossover the island of Caramoan main and litter the early evening sky. For me, it was always a time to stand still... look above (watch out for bat poop and pee, hehe) and reflect. It was so peaceful there. I miss the peace.

What have I learned? At work, I complain of physical pain due to long hours of standing, sometimes for having to extend our duty time for the name of being committed to my work. I get home feeling beaten and defeated. Asked myself a million times why I chose this profession... all I get is emotional and physical pain. How much senseless can my life get?

Then I go to Caramoan. I intend to take my time to enjoy. I did cliff climbing, snorkeling, swimming, and cam whoring. I climbed 500 steps in order to take a glimpse of a holy place. It was such agony... and super exhausting but I did it anyway. In the end I was also complaining of body ache. Every little bit of my body hurts.

That's when I realized how pain keeps me alive.

When I suffer I feel pain... When I take time to enjoy, I still feel pain. Pain keeps me alive. :(

Now after one week, it's back to work again. Back to reality... back to our never ending schedule mishap issues... back to hating suck ups and miserable people, back to my tiring life. Welcoming me back is quite a hard task. Wish I stayed in Caramoan for another week.

I can't keep running off, can I? This is my life. I can take a break once in a while, but I still gotta go back and live it.

Something about the trip made me want to not look back. To go some place else where I would find peace... where the hell will I find peace? I don't think I can handle any more bickering at work. Honestly, it's taking the life out of me. Horrible! People are so horrible! So many bad vibrations!

Then came weekend. Back to work. On call duty nurse of the day the first day back. Aaaaahhh!!! Excruciating! What have I gotten myself into? Well, I survived. Lived through it anyway. SIGH... Only a miracle can fix things. It is so out of my little hands. :'(

Spent my Sunday with Jon... and realized that despite his weird ways, the guy can actually make me feel at ease. It is overwhelming. He made me feel peace. :') ... and because the day with him was so great, when night came it had to end because I needed to get back to my life again. The peaceful streak never last that long. That's how life is. Pain keep us alive.

I think everything just got bottled up inside. Or maybe, I am just really stressed out. I know I can't keep on depending on him to find the peace I need... but it sure does feel good to feel him all the time, whether he's physically with me or not. So when I finally hear what I needed to hear from him, my heart melted. I thought my life isn't so bad.

Then came the next day.

I learned once again that pain keeps you alive.

" Don't say that you've been thinking, cause I know it's just the drink in you." - Sozzi

Haha. :) Oh pain, oh pain. :)

the bitter escape

I would never... oh but I did. :'(

It would never... but it did.

He would never... oh, but he did... he did. :'(

No I have that stomach spasm again...

" But will my heart be broken, when the night meets the morning sun?"- Carole King

Where art thou forgiveness? Where art thou loyalty? Where art thou dignity?

What are you? The most desperate lonely person in the world?!!

:'(

reliving grey's quote

"The truth hurts that's why we lie."- meredith grey, grey's anatomy

Is that why people say I love you when they really don't? Is that why people say forever because it really means goodbye?

Today must have meant something... but this day of great importance is not for me to claim, just mine for me to be thankful for.

Then I don't want to believe, but I am believing. I don't want to break, but I am breaking.

Could it be?

"When all is said and done, I'll just be a spec in the galaxy." - david archuletta

Your galaxy. :'(