I'll face tomorrow

The only thing constant in this world is change. 

Almost halfway through 2023, and I still can't believe how drastically my life turned around. Sometimes when I see my reflection when I pass by glass walls, I still cannot believe how I have changed. The way I see things differently. The way I physically look. The way I thought I loved myself, only to realize, I have been neglecting my well being for so long.  The way love teaches me how to be selfless in different means. 

So bittersweet. 

I still think of how my single life was.  I only had to answer to myself. I made decisions on my own. I was truly comfortable. Lived alone, did things I wanted any time I wanted to. 

God had to shake things up, and now I have to face the future, terrified of every thought that comes into my mind.  Still I try to walk by faith, and not by sight. 

I got married early this year, hence, the many conversions in my existence. (Thus also explaining all the woes about bidding my single life goodbye, all throughout 2022. haha!) Yes, the Hubbybi put his mother's ring on it.  Consequently, there were weighty decisions to be made.  I did not know it would be that much of a struggle for me to have to determine or resolve some issues, with someone else.  I was so used to dealing with matters solely. I would like to believe that I am a work in progress, so I am still learning how to open myself, and be a little less independent than I used to be.  

Looking back now, I am still unable to find the right words to sum up everything that I felt. I did everything I could to rewrite my dreams. Over the years, I knew the only reason why I was surviving was because of God's grace.  Everyday there were little things which reminded me why my life was worth living another day.  Something was amiss though, and I could just not seem to put my finger on it.  I did not know what it was. 

Although I believed in second chances, I was mostly resolute in changing my aspirations.  I imagined what it would be like, living the rest of my life alone, and I was okay with it.  I considered it a great achievement, having been able to move on, and not care about those who hurt me.  

Is not it ironic, (yeah Alanis, I could relate), that I ended up with the very person who caused me great pain?

Yep. Beats me how we came to this.  I kept my part of the bargain. Let him go, and lived my life without wishing ill things for him.  When he kept coming back, I could not bring myself to believe all the words he said.  I was even disgusted. How dare he? It was a twist of fate.  It would be too long to narrate all my reasons why my feelings changed.  Needless to say, it was like we picked up right where we left off, but at the time, we were different. Different in the sense that he was more unwavering about what he wants, and me totally not raising my expectations (sorry, again, work in progress, trying my best to adjust here). 

He was the one who started calling me wifey.  I was never the one to go with the norms, so the thought of calling him "hubby" really irked me.  Went for hubbybi instead. (I like the way "Habibi" is being used in the Arab culture. It is a form of affection for them, and I find it sincerely sweet. Just had to put my own take on it, with a play of syllables and words). We still use "Sinta" most of the time. He just felt we needed a level up, after all that we've been through. 

Pretty soon we are gonna call each other a different pet name again, because that is just how life is. We have been promoted. 🐤☺💗

SIGH. 

We still have to deal with tomorrow. I do not know how we will manage it, but we are here, at the moment in time that we both desired.  

I remember one of the first few nights of being his official wife.  We were about to eat dinner, and his family were inviting us to come to the table.  He closed the door of his room and pulled me close in a tight hug. A song he likes was playing, then to my surprise he initiated a sweet dance.  I felt it was ludicrous. What the hell was he doing?! His family members were waiting for us. He did not care. Shushed me up, and I danced along.  Took all my strength to swallow the lump that was forming in my throat. Oh my Hubbybi, why did you have to touch my heart like that? 

"Happiness fills my eyes, 

I know I should have realized, 

That love was always you."

-I'll face tomorrow, Marco Sison

I am a song lyric junkie and I must say, the words warmed my heart.  That was the song we danced to. It was one of his favorites.  

Every time we are in a battle of wills, I remind myself of that night.  

He did not utter words of promises, but it was as if he was reassuring me, no matter what happens, we will face the hereafter together, even with me being beside myself and all. 

It will not be long now. A new chapter of my life will begin soon.  Often, a new beginning also signifies something is ending. My heart does not feel heavy though.  Sometimes you just find yourself having a sense of deep purpose, a heavier reason why something needs to come to a conclusion.   

*I tenderly watch him sleep peacefully, while my one hand caresses my belly.  

Nag-atiman

 Few more restless days and nights.

In Bisaya, I would often say, "Kapoy, pero lingaw." In Tagalog: "Pagod, pero masaya."

The ride is sure not over, but heck yeah, what a journey it has been! I am a bit in a state of disbelief, because at last, we are nearing the culmination of our plans, nth years in the making! 

Needless to say, I am grateful for having been given a chance to not think of work, at the moment. Rest did me good.  I noticed my urticarial rash already subsided, it was worse last November, until the first two weeks of December.  Not only that, my mouth sores that would not leave me alone, finally decided to disappear. I guess it's fair to say, I was really feeling stressed about my life, it had negatively affected my health, and it showed in my appearance. Haggardness to the highest level! 

Like I said, this time of respite transformed me positively.  My skin has gotten better, I haven't complained of headache or migraine for the past three weeks, and the feeling faint episodes became less.

SIGH. The good kind this time. 

I know I should be sleeping because tomorrow will be another tiring day, but I haven't written anything for so long, and my fingers are in the mood to type away! I've been meaning to rave about my life, but some things got in the way. More significant things. ☺

Would you believe the Hubbybi is so passionate about getting our goals done? I would still ask him every now and then if he had changed his mind.  His answer would always be straightforward.  I am not, in any way, wanting assurance. I just don't want him to do something that he couldn't pour his whole heart into. 

He doesn't talk too much, but in our case, he's the perfect example of actions speak louder than words.  I feel bad for all the times he chose to be with me, even though he's tired, and would rather go to sleep.  I would restrain myself too, and would convince him in between his days off, to take the time to rest, because I don't want him ending up sick.  

The best part of this adventure, is that he's holding my hand through it all.  There are times when we couldn't help but argue. To my surprise, I learned how to stretch my patience with him.  He lets off steam, I stay cool as ice cream. Haha! Kidding aside, whatever and however he feels, he would not let go of my hand. Though he would be overwhelmed with worries, I would stay calm and reassure him, we will figure out a way to resolve our predicament. I would tell him things can always turn around.   (Plus, I really don't like to get older than my actual age, and I don't want to stress myself out, because this is not work, and everything not related to work is always better. haha! )

I am deeply touched by the way his family is overly involved in our affairs too.

His mother is overseeing some vital matters as well. I honestly did not expect it from her.  The way she calls me "'Nak, or anak" now, made up for all the hurt I felt, upon hearing from the grapevine, about what she said about me.  Anyway, that was all in the past, what matters more is the present.

Love how his nephew jumps up and down every time he sees me.  Like he's seen his favorite playmate.  The first thing the little guy said upon seeing me was, "Tita Kriiiiiish! You're here! I miss you!"  Melted my heart big time.  Won the hearts of all my family members as well. Haha! 

The meet and greet also went smoothly, thank God for that! His mother was worrying too much, and I felt she was trying to get a hold or feel of what was happening.  It was a first for their family, so she did not know what to exactly say or do.  Much to my delight, his siblings had a great time.  They interacted with my crazy siblings, and all hell broke loose, in a good kind of way.

So many things already happened in just three weeks.  We still have a lot to accomplish... then again, we only have to bear just a few more restless days and nights.  

I still can't find the words to describe the way I feel.  All I know is that,  I am where I am meant to be.

Kapoy, pero lingaw. 💕

Mommy's shawl and other life lessons at 4 am

In a few hours time, I am gonna be at battle again, both with work and my inner demons.  I got at least two hours more for me to sleep, but I can't go back to slumber anymore.  My mind, yet again, is in overthinking mode.  I am trying to calm myself down by reflecting, and finding things to be grateful for. Thought of jotting my feelings away. 

When I learned I had to do surgery asap, I just said okay. I said yes, because my mind knew it had to be done, but my heart had not fully grasped the whole concept.  So I spent a few days after, being physically present, but my spirit, floating away somewhere. 

I always have a shawl with me. Protection for both the heat and cold.  This habit of mine, this need for this item of clothing, I got from my mom.  Young as I was, I adopted mom's habit of bringing a shawl with me everywhere I go. Too cold in cinemas? Use a shawl.  Sun too hot while walking? I got mom's shawl.  So when I had to leave Philippines and work in the middle east, it was just so fitting for Mommy to bequeath her shawls to me.  I have a few of my own, but mom's shawls are the real deal. Made of good quality, designs are intricate, while mine are cheap and not as functional as hers.  She invested in the legit ones, because she had to use them for formal wear. The number of times she needed it for Dad's work, and gatherings in Malacañan.  I am attached to these shawls, because they were given by my mom. 

So came one fateful Monday morning, my mind was afloat.  I left one of mommy's shawls on the bus I took, for work.  My heart ached, because I felt a pang, knowing I lost it.  Blamed my being mindless because I was too worried about having some malignancy and all that.  I am normally big about letting go of things that aren't meant for me, but this one, I just couldn't take.  It was something of my mom's and I couldn't forgive myself for it.  There was a nagging feeling inside of me, more of irritation and anger, that I lost it because I was so careless.  I was in a bargaining of some sort, knowing I had to let go because there was nothing else I could do, but still so upset with myself.

The next day, I was glumly waiting for the bus to arrive.  What happened next blew me away.  As the bus was nearing, just a few steps before it stopped in front of me, I could see mom's shawl at the front seat. It was hanging by the steel bar in front of the first seat.  I couldn't believe my eyes! When I entered the bus, I was like a kid, full of joy! I would have leaped if there was enough space! Haha! 

Then it dawned on me, how funny life works sometimes.  Reminded me of one of life's greatest lessons that I learned. To never ever force myself into something that's clearly stating I am not wanted... an opportunity, a person, a thing I most desire.  I should always be brave enough to let go. Just let go. Things that are truly meant for me, will find its way back to me, even if I don't do anything about it.  Again, what is meant for me, will never miss me. Or if it misses me, fate will always have a way of bringing it back to me.  

Thankful for the ways I discovered how to love myself. I learned that I should never settle for something less than I deserve. If I give someone my 100% and they can't give back the same,... I guarantee, I'll be walking out the door. I learned that I should not sell myself short.  I won't tolerate being taken for granted.  I should speak and say, "What you're doing is not okay." 

Time is the ultimate truth teller.  I am practicing the art of lying low, particularly in social media.  Has been my mantra for the year. Post less. Share less. The most sweetest moments need not be shared always in public. Based on experience too, I learned not everyone will be happy for you. Let others say what they want to say about you, even if there is no truth to it.  Time will inevitably tell the true story.  When the day of revelation comes, you would be glad you held your tongue.  

Refraining from being judgemental. I still find this difficult to do.  I need a lot of prayers for me to have patience and understanding, but yep.  I believe I will never know the extent of another person's feeling, because I do not know what's going on in their lives.  

Life is fleeting.  I should forgive while I can... be not afraid to love, when given the chance.  I should always live my life with arms wide open.  

*I was not able to finish this entry because time caught up with me. I had to prepare for work. Haha! 

** My surgery's biopsy result is negative for atypia.  I feel like I've been given a third shot at life. 

*** My sister gave birth to another beautiful baby girl.  With everything going wrong in my life, God gave me relief by bringing into this world, our Himig Feliz. 💚 

 

Just a little bit more

More breakdowns... hopefully after all this, will come my breakthrough. 

The past two weeks had me feeling on edge, because of the never ending mock audits for our upcoming JCIA accreditation renewal.  Two years had gone so fast, and now we have to go through this again.  

Share ko lang... spent the last two weekends of October in Dubai, with the future sister in law.  It was refreshing being around her.  We would chat every now and then. Just now she told me, "Konting tiis na lang."  It was true though.  November is flying by fast. We will see each other again in December, Inshaallah.  Hope by then we both would have lost the weight we gained by pigging out so much. Haha! 

I can feel melancholia trying to get the best of me, yet again, but I am too drained to entertain the feeling.  

The only thing that kept my hope up, is that it will be December soon. I am about to be with the people I long to be with! Kaya nga konting tiis na lang. Kahit ang sarap na magtantrums sa pagod. Haha! 

Because I was not able to write as much as I thought I wanted, bear with me if I keep writing anything under the sun. Just going with the way I feel. 

The video below triggered my emotions recently. 

I was happy to be back home, but I was very anxious at the time.  My sisters and I were worried about my parents and my brother, who went to Moalboal for a cousin's wedding.  Our hometown in Cebu was ravaged by a powerful typhoon, and days had already passed. We still haven't heard anything from them.  

Never mind that I had to spend some of my precious days in quarantine.  That time, we were required to stay in a hotel for five days, and could only be sent home after having a negative swab result. Spent seven days in total, at the hotel.  I thought I would die of boredom, and of agony from waiting to be with my family.  Didn't turn out that way.  Hubbybi made my stay bearable.  He was with me all the time.  I never felt I was alone, or secluded.  My first night, I couldn't sleep because of thinking of my bro and parents, but if not for that, I would consider my isolation, my absolutely best rest.  Of course, I also had Cordy with me. During the times he was busy with work, Netflix kept me company. Was hooked with He's Into Her. Haha! Just had to give in to that teeny bopper side of me, because why not? 

Looking back now, it was the time that he gave so much effort, just for me to not feel like I was alone.  It made me appreciate him so much.  I would always say, I am used to being alone, but he would say matter of factly, "Hindi ka na magiisa, kase kasama mo na ako."   

The view from my window

I thought to myself then, "Where do we go from here?"  Although he was succeeding in making my heart happy, I did not want to raise my expectations.  I did not demand anything.  What happened two weeks after that, was a brave step he took on his own volition.  

Which brings me to my NOW. 

It feels so surreal.  The first half of the year left me feeling so uncertain, because I was really dealing with separation anxiety from my single life. I loved being single!!!  Now that December is approaching, there's this complacent beating in my heart. Things are about to get real! Legit! 

So work is giving me hell right now.  SIGH.  

Just a tad bit more. I'll get to where I need to be.  

 

snipping tool

 

That long huh?

Funny how random things just come up, and remind you of that which you'd rather forget.  

Recently having gone under the knife, I believe I am not willing to subject myself to more pain, whatever the kind may be, physical or emotional.  Last night was the worst. I was writhing in pain.  My fault for thinking I would be able to bear it without taking pain meds.  

It has been that long.  I would laugh about it, but even too much laughter would hurt me, right now.  

Some time in 2016, I was on my way to the bus stop. I was passing by the back gate of our work premises, and I was looking at the tree just before the gate.  With a heavy heart, I uttered some words with conviction. I try to be careful with what I say, especially when my emotion is extreme. Aside from regretting it, sometimes, I get terrified when what I speak actually transpires.  What I said that day, it was more of a promise to myself.  Self love at its finest. 

It did happen. Another example of how words can be really powerful.  

I guess... all's well that ends well. 

Wish I could say the same for my current predicament.  My one take from all of this, is that, life is too short to waste my time being upset over things I cannot control.  

My past did weigh me down, and I felt better after letting it go.  The future, my so uncertain future, is kind of bringing me down too, As I see it, I need to let it go too. 

Don't want to wait for another long period of time, and be truth slapped again by some random life event on facebook. Haha! 

Uh-oh. I can feel an incoming wave of pain again. The physical kind. My Diclofenac at the ready.  Let's call it a night, shall we? 

Heartburn

 Thought I felt nothing.

When I heard the words, and realized what needs to be done, my mind was abuzz.  I said okay right away. Didn't even think about it, I just answered, "Okay, let's do it." 

I've been putting off having myself checked, for so long. Alright, maybe because I was too afraid of what I would find out. It could also be that, I thought what I have is probably nothing, given the fact that my previous check ups didn't have significant results. 

Now this.  

Like I said, I thought I felt nothing. 

By nothing, I mean, my heart did not race.  The terms that I heard, did not sink in right away.  By nothing, I meant, I suddenly felt all my fears melt away.  What gives? Come what may.  I felt okay. Was I really okay? 

I can't bring myself to inform my family. Making them worry would also make me worry. Let me worry about myself then.  

Then it came. 

I thought it was a burp coming up. 

The rushing through my chest and throat was so nasty. I felt the left part of my chest burn. Like someone poured boiling water on it. I thought I would find a scald. I couldn't swallow anymore. My throat was on fire! Coughing it out made it worse. Tried dousing the fiery feeling by drinking water. It was futile. 

Heard my roommate call out to me and asked if I was just alright.  

I answered, but my voice was hoarse. 

It was the most terrible acid reflux I have ever experienced.  Left me feeling so uncomfortable the whole night.  

Did I repress my real emotion back then? It was as if my body knew better, it just had to find a way to express itself.  

I firmly believe God will not give me something I cannot bear.  

Whatever the findings may be, I will learn about it in the coming days... I know God will never let go of my hand.  He will walk with me all the way. 

I think I'm okay.  I think I'll be okay.  ☺

One Month Past Summer Solstice

The view from Dr. H's room. 

 More than a month now, since summer in the sandpit had begun. 

Out with our shawls that we use as sheilas, If only to try to protect us from the blazing sun, and the sweltering heat. Suffocating sandstorms on the trot for weeks.  All the dust invading my poor sighted eyes, my nose with its permanently damaged mucosa (because of the swabs it had, and still has to go through), and my post Covid sensitive throat.

It would always be the same scenario. 

After punching out at work, would scurry off to catch the bus, while ensuring I did the best I could to shield myself from the inferno like warmth.  The temperature would reach to 47°C, and it's more than my body could take.  Hello migraine and nosebleed! 

This week was different. 

On the way to work on Monday morning, the clouds were gloomy. It kind of gave me a dreary feeling. The slapping wind was not the usual humid blow I was used to.  The trees were swaying restlessly. A rare sight in the Middle East, for it looked as if a storm was brewing. 

I thought to myself, even the weather was reflecting the way I was feeling inside.  

I have been going through another emotional turmoil.  I was doubting, if my decisions of late, were the right ones.  Was I heading in the right direction? If I was, why does something keeps going wrong?  I always say to myself, if it's meant to be, it will just be.  My carefree side was being dampened by a sudden feeling of hopelessness.  Lord, do I not deserve what You gave me? Shall I give this up, or shall I press on?  Why did it have to be this difficult?  Crying it out did not give me any sort of relief. The people around me did not fall short of encouraging me.  I was in such anguish, it was too much for me. 

The sullen climate continued 'till Wednesday.  I learned from the news that it rained heavily in another emirate (Fujairah), and it caused a massive flooding.  In Abu Dhabi, however, we were just met by a pleasant drizzle.  It made me feel better.  Maybe the storm was all inside my head, and things were not as irreparable as I thought they were. 

Thursday, the sun was regaining its lost shine. For me, a couple of good news finally came.  At long last, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief.  I felt the weight I was carrying drop off my shoulders.  Truly grateful for *Hubbybi's substantial effort to attend to our personal affairs. I admit, I did not expect it from him. He really has a knack for leaving me astonished.  He was also very patient with my hormonal outbursts.  I appreciate the fact that though he just laughed at me, he still suggested a good compromise.  Just when I thought everything was falling apart, some things started falling into place. 💚

A time when I was feeling somber, and decided to play it out with Cordy, 

Friday was such a treat. Firstly, it was not too humid, the temperature was the right kind of tolerable. Next reason, it warmed my heart that I made a sweet little boy happy, with my Taho surprise.  All the adults were delighted too, thus,  I am very satisfied.  Lastly, I found the one. The dress that would represent me.  After much searching, suddenly, there it was, calling out to me: Choose me Krish, wear me please! 😄  Another one of those #happinessifindinmysolitude kind of moment. Haha! 

Weekend was restful, which I am thankful for.  I feel ready and eager to start the week tomorrow.  

Was able to take a power nap in the afternoon of Saturday (yesterday), and was able to video call my loved ones, after waking up.  Decided to loosen up during the night, by drinking dry white crisp wine, while he was chugging down his cold beer.  Meaningful conversations, senseless, but funny gossips, life stories... Again, simple joys, but ever so priceless.  💚  

Sunday (today), finished all my chores, with enough time left for me to ponder about my week. Here I am writing it out.  

No matter how chaotic my life could be at times, God will always have ways to make me see some sense in it.  I know my hormonal meltdowns are far from being over, but I will sleep tonight, with the comfort of knowing, that the good times always out number the bad.  

A genuine goodbye, can indeed be a way. to lead you to your forever.  

Closing my musing with lines from Sting and Sheryl Crow's song: 

"Well they say that love is in the air (never is it clear), 

how to pull it close and make it stay. 

Butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away?

Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why. 

Was it you that kept me wondering through this life? 

When you know that I was always on your side?" 

*Formulated the term of endearment Hubbybi, from the word "HABIBI", which is an Arabic word that translates to: my love, my dear, my darling or beloved.